Four Years Ago Today...

Four years ago today, I was suposed to hold my newborn son.  I can believe I have typed this sentence out FOUR times now.  Now matter how long I will always have that whole in my heart.  Its just unbelievable how long its been, in a good and in a bad way.   It's getting easier every year to deal with this.  It's not that I dont think about him, its just not paralyszing anymore.  This milestone however is normally horribly upsetting to me, more so than even his birthday.  Maybe because it was supposed to be his REAL birthday, he is supposed to blow out birthday candles and stuff his face with cake and ice cream.  I feel like our family has been robbed. So far today has been OK, being swamped at work does have its advantages I suppose.

I love and miss you, Keller, always & forever - Mommy

Family Update

I can't believe i started this blog over 5 YEARS ago when we were expecting Johanna. She just had her 5th Birthday...how is that even possible??? I love looking back and reading old posts, all the things that have happened, some not so great but mostly good! With our growing family I have had less and less free time for this blog but also my mind is full of dinner, laundry, schedules and work that I simply forget about it. Facebook makes it really easy to post pictures so it's easy to forget about this. I am going to try once a month for an update...sounds reasonable right?

Like I said, Jo just had her 5th Birthday, she is so grown up and smart as can be. She is good to her brother and sister even though she and Emery get in fights more frequently now (Mostly instigated by Emery taking Johanna's stuff).  Johanna is pretty patient most times, but even she can only take so much.

Emery gets funnier and funnier every day. The stuff she says will make you double over. She told Dustin "whenever you get little and I get big you can live in my belly" She has the vocabulary of a 5 year old and she used it for sure. She has a really hard time listening to what we tell her to do and she is stubborn as a mule so that creates some conflict :) But she is a sweetheart, adores Johanna and smothers Micah.

Then there is Micah. Possibly the cutest baby who ever existed, he is a snuggler, give him a stuffed animal and he immediately will put it up to his check and cuddle it. He loves his blue blankie if it's within view he has to have it. We took it to his one-year photo shoot to have in a few pictures...it ended up in a lot of the pictures because he kept crying for it. He is also really good at temper tantrums. He gets so worked up where he starts banging his head against the wall or floor. We have to just put him in his bed, sometimes I fear he is going to hurt himself badly. I am hoping this is just a phase...

The most important thing is that everyone is healthy.  Dustin is feeling much better overall.  Micah just got over croup and is feeling fine.  Things could always be better but they can always be much much worse!

 

At The Pumpkin Patch This Fall

Micah's 1 Year Photos

Jojo

Emery

Micah's Birth Story

I know this is way late, but I wrote this up for his photo book and realized I never shared this before. 

This pregnancy was a little different than the girls’.   All in all it was a smooth pregnancy, it was monitored closely and nothing too worrisome ever showed up on any of my many ultrasounds.  But I gained less weight yet I looked much bigger than with either of the girls. The 37 week mark came and went, then the 38 and the 39 week mark.  I was getting increasingly uncomfortable, my fatigue, backaches and shortness of breath were getting too much.   It was decided that I would be induced Oct 3^rd, two days before my due date.  I checked into the hospital and when Dr. Moulton checked me he got a surprised look on his face, turns out I was already at 7 cm without ever being in active labor!  I decided on getting the Epi right away before getting the Pitocin,   I am not one of those people who feels the need to be in pain while giving birth.  Epidural was taken care of, Pitocin was given and then we waited….and waited.  The Pitocin was not working so around 12:30 it was decided to break my water.  After that the contractions started right away and they were strong and close together.  Not 25 minutes later I felt the need to push and the nurse came in to check me.  Sure enough I was complete and ready.    Micah was born at 1:10 pm weighing in at 8 lbs and 10 oz, 20 inches long, completely healthy and beautiful.  The girls are in love with him and so are Dustin and I.  Looking back inducing was the best decision I could have made.  Dr. Moulton said if my water had broken at home I may not have made it to the hospital.  We named him Micah Matthew Keller; Keller after his angel brother who is looking over all of us.

Three years ago today

Three year ago today I was supposed to hold my newborn son.  Funny thing is I didnt even realize it until a few minutes ago that is was the 21st.  I feel horribly guilty about it.  Now it's all I can think about and I still have half a day's worth of work left to do.   So many things have happened in the last month, mostly not great.  Dustin and I are just overwhelmed trying figure everything out from hospital bills to bedtime schedules.  Getting dinner on the table for the kids on time and keeping the house in a respectable condition has been a challenge.  When Micah was in the hospital a month ago his routine got so screwed up that he started waking up two times a night again and is just now starting to sleep through the night again.  I still can't believe that I forgot about Keller's due date though...I think he would understand, I know he is around and watches over us so he knows the chaos we deal with on a daily basis :)  I wish he was here to play with his sisters and brother, he would fit right in.   Johanna asks me about him sometimes and I tell her that he is her brother who went to heaven.  So far she seems satisfied with that answer.

BUT I dont want it to seem that we are unhappy. We are just simply tired and sometimes overwhelmed. We love our kids an wouldn't trade them for the world. They are happy which is all that matters. Johanna is doing great at school, doing Kindergarten work and beyond. Emery is loving daycare at Tiffany's and talking up a storm I think she uses better grammar than I do sometimes. Micah is growing and growing. He was sick this last week with hand foot mouth disease that he picked up at daycare. I know that will happen and there is nothing anyone can do about it but I hate seeing my babies sick. We took him to the Dr and he weighed in at a whopping 22.7 lbs at 8.5 months old. He is a tank! but we love it that way. He is a happy smiley baby. He still has a touch of reflux and doesn't like food though. You would know that looking at him, that's for sure. He loves his milk but just doesnt care for solids. He WILL eat the little puff snacks... i think he just wants to feed himself!

Micah Moo

Wow it's been a looong time. I have been simply overwhelmed with life. Most days I forget to eat breakfast in an attempt to get to work on time (never happens). So much has happened since my last post. The MAIN and most important thing that we welcomed out precious baby Micah into the world. He is nearly 6 months old now i can't believe how fast time flies.

Micah Matthew Keller Smith was born Oct 3rd by induction. He was 8lbs 10oz, 20 inches long, by far my biggest baby, nearly two pounds heavier than Emery! Johanna and Emery just love him to pieces. First thing Emery says every morning is "where Micah Moo?" Johanna wants to hold him all the time even though he is now getting too big. Johanna is both of the little ones' protector, no one messes with her babies :). I think that what makes me most proud of her.

While on maternity leave I started calling Micah "Micah Moo" and it's stuck, i have a feeling it will be his nickname for a while...even Johanna and Emery call him that now. Micah Moo is a tank, he loves to eat! He unfortunately has reflux like Emery but with meds it's not bad. Fortunately we found a pharmacy that know WTH they are doing, Walgreens can suck it. (if anyone is looking for a great pharmacy that does compounding, try Auburn) He sleeps through the night but usually has to be in his car seat or swing because of the reflux. Hey, I'll take it...after Emery this is an imense improvement.

I am so grateful for my three HEALTHY kids even though they drive me up the wall. So many wish to have what I have, just need to remember that when Emery dumps her milk out on the rug and Johanna freaks out about having to go to bed. I think about Keller and the bean a lot especially since we have had Micah. I wonder if they would have looked alike. I think so, since all of the kids look like Dustin and Keller did too even at that early stage. He looks down on them smiling I am sure.

Two Years ago Today

Two year ago today I was supposed to hold my newborn son. It's ironic to me that this day coincides with the beginning of Summer, not feeling so summery at the moment.
He should be two years old today. I still miss him so much and I think of what our life would be like with him here with us as a toddler.
We feel very blessed to have our girls and this new baby on the way. I really believe Keller watches out for all of them and is their guardian Angel! Keller will always be missed, and never forgotten.

the last few months

It's has been so long since I last posted, life has gotten in the way! it doesnt' help that out laptop broke down either!

Nothing too major has happened in tha last couple months, the girls are growing and so is baby (and my belly ) ! I am at 24 weeks now, YAY. We are having a boy this time so we are VERY excited, but it also brings back some memories of Keller. I have been getting ultra sounds every two weeks and he is looking great and always has a strong heartbeat. He is moving a lot now, I love that feeling:

I also started makign hair bows for the girls (at this point mostly for Johanna). I decided to sell them and I have sold a few already. I like making things, it relaxes me after running around and working all day. I wish there were more hours in the day! Between work, kids, cleaning house and the bows I need at least 30!

Our Emery is growing up!

Emery went to her One -Year check up a few days ago. Dr Blum was very happy with her but thought she may be a little spoiled...No way. Also he thought she looked a little mal-nourished ;) She is hitting all her mile-stones on time or ahead of time! She is saying a few words, like "hello" (sounds like "herra"), she said "all gone" yesterday. She waves, gives kisses, blows kisses. She can stand by herself and has taken two steps. She hasn't really tried to walk anymore than that but that’s OK, she is taking her time with walking like Johanna did. She may be the only baby I know that is more smiley than Johanna was. Her sleeping habits could be better but we are working on it. She will sleep from about 8pm to 4am am most nights. Sometimes she'll sleep all the way to 6 sometimes she'll wake up more than once. But nonetheless she is an absolute joy!

Emery's Stats:

Weight: 24 lbs 12.3 oz = 92nd %ile

Length: 30" = 74th %ile

Head: 18.7" = 96th %ile

Happy First Birthday Emery!

What a great Birthday Party. Emery had a blast , especially eating her cake!

Emery giving daddy raspberries!

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven

Yesterday marked Keller's 2nd Birthday. I still miss him every day but his birthday and his due date are the worst. I think about what could have been, what he would be like, what milestones he would be passing right now. If had been born on his due date he would be about 19 month old now. I also think about what I could have differently, to change what happened. Probably nothing but part of me will alway wonder why I couldn't keep him safe.

Thank you to all my friends and family for your support during these difficult times. I don't know if these days will get easier with time or not but I will never forget my first baby boy.

We miss you and love you, Keller. Part of us will always be missing, but I know you are in a good place. Thanks for looking out for Emery when I had that big scare while I was pregnant. and thanks for helping me find my wedding ring ;) I love you so much, XOXO Mommy

Blanket my mom gave me yesterday

10 Months old!!!

Can't believe Emery is 10 months! Almost time to start planningher first Birthday Party! In the last month Emery has made leaps and bounds as far as development goes. She is a speed crawler, can't let her out of my sight even for a second or she is on the other side of the room trying to climb the stairs. She will climb all the way up the stairs without help if we let her (with me or Dustin close behind of course). She pulls up one everything and prefers standing to sitting. She can also walk with her walker or holding on to things. She babbles a lot and makes it known when she is not happy!! She is trying new foods all the time and is starting to reject baby food. She really wanted some of my lasagna yesterday!! Other than that she is still fighting her ear infection which has moved to the other ear. She started a second round of antibiotics on Tuesday so we are hoping that will knock it out finally. She can't have any dairy within 2 hours of taking that medication which is why I couldn't give her any lasagna. She was pretty pissed :( . Mushed up veggies just aren't the same.

Johanna is also amazing me with her strides she is growing up so fast. Yesterday I picked her up from school as as we were leaving she held the door open for a lady coming in. I did not tell her to do it, she just did. The lady looked stunned and complemented her on how sweet and helpful she was. Johanna was beaming all the way home and so was I. She truly loves to help. All the other kids' parents always tell me how sweet and polite Johanna is, and it makes me so proud! Dustin and I are truly lucky to have such amazing kids!

Jonah Michael

On Dec 4th, my sister and her husband welcomed their son Jonah into the world. He is a teeny little guy at 4lbs 12 oz, 18" but completely healthy! and gaining weight like a champ! He is the most adorable baby boy ever!

Update on our crazy life...

It seems like I never have time to post anymore because we have so much going on, but when I do have time I can't think of anything to write about that other people may be interested in! A few things happened though...

I had surgery on my wrist. The surgery went well, but I could swear the cyst is still there! WTF?! Did he just cut me open for fun?!?! Maybe it's just scar tissue or something but it feels and looks exactly as it did before except I have a scar now! I am going to make an appointment and get it checked out, maybe it just came back quickly.

Johanna had her three year well visit, and she is perfectly healthy as we pretty much knew. Dr Blum told her that she has to try her vegetables and she always recites what he said verbatim : "Dr Blum said: You have to try your vegetables, you don't have to eat them if you don't like them, but you have to at least try" I think she uses it as an excuse to take one bite and leave the rest, but at least she tries them now.

Emmy had her 9 month visit and she is also healthy except for the mystery ear infection! We had no idea she had one; she is so happy all the time and no fever either! I guess that's good, but I feel sort of guilty that I didn't notice she had an ear infection! She was 21 lbs and 8 oz so she is trying to catch up to sis in the weight dept! She is in the 80%ile for both height and weight!

Johanna hd her first ever Christmas program yesterday! It was cute an chaotic. I can't imagine even trying to keep 100 Toddlers organized, geez. Johanna was a bunny and when it was time to sing she sang on top of her lungs. I wish i had gotten some better pictures but it was dark and the camera I was using wasn't the best, but oh well, I got a few.

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Being pretty

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Waiting their turn

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Bunnies everywhere

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Can't tell who the girl is on the very left but the others are Ruby, Johanna and Jose. Jose is Johanna's best friend/nemisis. They have a love/hate relationship. Jose yells at whoever messes with Johanna but then pushes her 5 minutes later. (I am sure Johanna isn't innocent either)

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Being a bunny

Happy 3rd Birthday Johanna!

**We love you more than life** I can’t believe how much our baby has grown up, she is so much fun. I think she had a great Birthday Party with her friends and family. She had so much fun running around with all her friends, doing an art project and playing games. She is so excited about all the stuff she got especially her art table, Barbies and Easy Bake Oven. She wanted to start baking right away after her party last night! What a great day!